Five Minutes A Day

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A week ago I began trying something new with my meditation practice. My co-facilitator in the SC Group said to the group, ‘even if you only meditate for 5 minutes a day you will benefit’ and that made me think. So I went home and started sitting for 5 minutes. Only I did it 3 or 4 times in a day.

I usually meditate 15 to 20 minutes just before I go to bed. It works most of the time. Though sometimes it’s a bit of a chore as I just want to go to sleep. However, I began to think of my meditation as the ‘cultivation of stillness’. I have a hard time being still, as if I have too much energy and just gotta be doing something. So, as a challenge to myself – I decided to cultivate stillness and doing ‘nothing’.

My intention, as well, is to befriend however I am feeling at any given moment. To practice meeting my emotions head on. I realized recently that I am very afraid of some of my emotions – like anger, like depression (if you can call it an emotion), grief. So I asked myself what do I do with this fear. My answer was to meet it head-on, to feel it, to possibly even embrace all of my feelings. To enter fully into these feelings.

This is pretty scary territory. Yet I recognize that when I resist this scary place, I cause myself ‘unnecessary suffering’. In other words I make it worse than it really is. But if I can simply sit and feel this uncomfortable, unpleasant feeling maybe I can make friends with it. I think I said in an earlier post that I will sometimes try and name the unpleasant feeling. Then even give it colour, form, sound, location in my body. This helps me step back from the feeling and feel a little ease. I can more easily accept and even be curious about the feeling.

Five minutes a day, or several times a day, has proven to be enormously helpful this week. I have chosen to stop 3 or 4 times a day, to just sit with whatever is going on in that moment. I have chosen to ask – so how are you doing right now? I am able to say – hey look at that big tree out your window. Look how it catches the sunlight. How high and mighty and proud it looks. And I have been breathing – great big deep breaths that start in my belly. This tells me I am beginning to relax.

Five minutes a day I wake up. And wow is it amazing!

 

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NO COMPARISON

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For the last two nights I have had dreams about participating in a contest. For the past month I have been doing rather deep work with my dreams, trying to understand what is going on in my unconscious mind. I have been using Robert A. Johnson’s book Inner Work: Using Dreams & Active Imagination for Personal Growth (1986). It has helped me immensely.

Anyway …. looking at these two dreams I came to understand that there is a part of me, only a part, that compares myself with others – in other words, ‘holds a competition’. I imagine many of you hold competitions in your minds, comparing yourself to everyone else. Am I a winner or am I a loser?

I think in high school I felt a bit of a ‘loser’, more a failure. Eventually I simply gave up and quit. There were reasons why I was not doing well academically and they weren’t my fault. Still, I blamed myself for all of my failings. In my ‘competition’ I was definitely last.

I think that if our society, our culture had never thought about competition in any way, that many of us wouldn’t even be thinking about it. What I’m saying is that I think comparing ourselves, competing in the game of life, is a cultural thing. Competition is often the name of the game in this society. Unfortunately, when we apply it to ourselves, on a deep personal basis, we tend to come up very short. Just not good enough.

At the MDABC support group I attended for 5 years it was often said “Don’t play the comparison game. You always lose.” Comparing ourselves to others may be useful sometimes, if we want to simply understand ourselves. But when we want to rate ourselves in some kind of standing, then we tend to be in trouble – unless we’re playing a sport or game.

I think that people who don’t play the comparison game are already ‘winning’. They don’t feel the need to compare themselves, as if they are confident they are exactly where they need to be. No rating is necessary. In my dreams, I wanted to play the game in the best way possible, and in a way that I thoroughly understood what the game was all about. This is the way I want to live my life – that’s what I think my dreams are telling me. I want to understand life, not ‘get ahead’, not ‘succeed’, just play it thoroughly and well. And understand what the heck it’s all about.

LETTING GO

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I want to post an excerpt here from Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book Wherever You Go There You Are. This is a book about mindfulness practice and it has been so helpful to me with my own practice. He acknowledges the cliché-ness of the phrase yet “it is such a powerful inward maneuver that it merits looking into, cliché or no.” (Kabat-Zinn)

Letting go means just what it says. It’s an invitation to cease clinging to anything – whether it be an idea, a thing, an event, a particular time, or view, or desire. It is a conscious decision to release with full acceptance into the stream of present moments as they are unfolding. To let go means to give up coercing, resisting, or struggling, in exchange for something more powerful and wholesome which comes out of allowing things to be as they are without getting caught up in our attraction to or rejection of them, in the intrinsic stickiness of wanting, of liking and disliking. It’s akin to letting your palm open to unhand something you have been holding on to.

Letting go is only possible if we can bring awareness and acceptance to the nitty-gritty of just how stuck we can get, if we allow ourselves to recognize the lenses we slip so unconsciously between observer and observed that then filter and color, bend and shape our view. We can open in those sticky moments, especially if we are able to capture them in awareness and recognize it when we get caught up in either pursuing and clinging or condemning and rejecting in seeking our own gain.”

 

 

 

 

Turning Toward the Pain – part 3

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I want to talk briefly about some issues that came up in our SC group yesterday while talking about pain.

First of all I want to recommend Brene Brown, an ‘expert’ on vulnerability. Here is a link.     https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

We were talking about the need to be ‘vulnerable’ with people and it makes me ask what that really means. I think, I think, that people often mean authenticity in relationship and communication with others. When we are suffering illness how do we remain with ourselves and yet still participate in the larger world? How do we communicate truthfully when someone asks “How are you”? So many of us feel compelled to say “Oh fine” when inside we are not fine.

Of course, one way to meet this need is by coming to a support group like this where we can talk about these real things going on inside of us. We feel a sense of being understood and sometimes even find shared experiences. This can be so gratifying and it can really help validate us. When I hear someone speak of an experience that is very similar to mine, and I hear them talk about how they felt during that experience, I feel validated without having said anything. I can feel a sense of – oh. Maybe there isn’t anything wrong with me. Other people feel the same way.

I think the most important thing though is that we are authentic and honest with ourselves first of all. If we can acknowledge our pain and decide how best to deal with it we may find less frustration overall. We have to be willing to be honest with ourselves about our emotions, our wants and needs. Not easy though because it can bring up a lot of shame. Brene Brown also talks about shame.

If we want to be vulnerable with others, we need to find the right people who will respect our boundaries. We need to work through to a level of trust. That means we have to start with the chit-chat, the superficial, and sometimes very boring, conversations then make our way down to the deeper more meaningful levels after both of us are satisfied that we can trust each other – so far. It’s a kind of dance. I say something then wait for your response. My trust will either go up or down with your response and the same with you.

Wanting to be vulnerable with others, to be authentic and to truly connect is all about satisfying a need that every human being has. So when we have a need, we figure out where we can get it met and where we can’t. I know I can’t really talk about my mental health with some friends and I can with others as well as in the support group. And this satisfies my need so that I can go and have ‘lighter’ relationships with others. The important thing is that I get the need met in some way.

A final word – about ‘sadness’. Sadness comes up a lot for many people and often we don’t like it. I have learned however, that sadness can be seen as the act of letting go of something that no longer works. Sadness seems to be a mourning process of something we feel we have lost. I now look at sadness as a sign of movement and moving on and I feel good about it. ‘Oh look I’m sad about that. I must be letting it go. Cool.’ This helps me deal with sadness in a really positive way which means I don’t block it. I allow it to be.

Turning Toward the Pain – part 2

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We had our fourth meeting of the SC group yesterday and talked about dealing with pain. I read out an excerpt from Christopher Germer’s book, the mindful path to self-compassion, and I want to print it here again.

From the moment of our birth, we’re on a quest for happiness. It may take no more than mother’s milk to satisfy us in the first days of our lives, but our needs and desires multiply as we age. By adulthood, most of us don’t expect to be happy unless we have a nice family, a good job, excellent health, lots of money, and the love and admiration of others.

But pain still strikes even under the best of circumstances. Billionaire Howard Hughes found himself desperate and alone at the moment of his death. And our circumstances inevitably change; one person’s marriage may fall apart, another may have a child with a developmental disability, and yet another may lose everything in a flood. People differ from one another in the amount of suffering they endure over a lifetime, or in the type of suffering, but none of us gets off without any. Pain and suffering are common threads that unite all of humanity.

Pain creates a conflict between the way things are and how we’d like them to be and that makes our lives feel unsatisfactory. The more we wish our lives were different, the worse we feel. For example, if a car accident lands someone in a wheelchair for life, the first year is usually the toughest. As we learn to adapt, we typically return to our former level of happiness. We can measure our happiness by the gap between what we want and how things are.

A new approach is to change our relationship to pain and pleasure. We can step back and learn to be calm in the midst of pain; we can let pleasure naturally come and go. That’s serenity. We can even learn to embrace pain as well as pleasure, and every nuance in between, thereby living each moment to the fullest. That’s joy. Learning how to spend some time with pain is essential to achieving personal happiness. It may sound paradoxical, but in order to be happy we must embrace unhappiness.”

 

Turning Toward the Pain – part 1

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I am writing once again about pain. I talked about it a bit in the “SC Group Session 2” post. When we begin to think about the concept of self-compassion and then think about how it applies to us, we often meet some pain that has been buried. When we wake up to the fact that we lack compassion for ourselves it often seems to bring up a painful sadness.

Compassion has two parts to it. The first is to acknowledge that there is pain. Here it is. Right now. It requires us to sit with how we are feeling even though it is not all that comfortable.

Pain creates a conflict between the way things are and how we’d like them to be and that makes our lives feel unsatisfactory. The more we wish our lives were different, the worse we feel. … We can measure our happiness by the gap between what we want and how things are.” (Christopher Germer, the mindful path of self-compassion)

I have been practicing for a while now, to sit with my pain. When I can. Sometimes I know I’m not able and that’s okay. I think then that I’m not ready to face whatever truth is there. Not yet. But when I am ready I just let myself feel the feeling. I like to try to describe it. Where is it in my body? What does it look like? Does it have a colour? Does it have a form? Does it have a temperature? Does it move, have a pulse or rhythm to it? Does it have a sound?

Doing this helps me step back from the pain and not feel so absorbed and overwhelmed by it. It makes me feel less afraid of my pain as well. I am beginning to recognize specific types of pain in specific parts of my body. When I need to cry a lot and deeply, my upper chest, just below my shoulders grows tight and aches. When I feel anxious that’s usually in my stomach, and very deep fear resides lower in my gut.

Holding emotions back I can feel in my throat as it tightens. As if afraid I might blurt out something that I don’t really want to hear. It’s quite amazing when we look at pain in this way. Pain as information about something. Something that needs fixing or healing, that needs attention, that needs me to do something with it. Transform it.

Really, pain is simply a sensation of a certain intensity. Boredom is painful to me. And it has quite an intensity. Fortunately it happens rarely. But from boredom all the way to deep excruciating grief and loss it is all pain that we must live with. The more we can turn towards our pain, accept it and even embrace it if possible, the more we are liberated from it, the less stuck we are, the more we can move on with our lives.

COMMON HUMANITY

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You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the ocean in one drop.” Rumi

I have been writing, lately, about the three components of the Self-Compassion model (see menu at top). The first component is self-kindness rather than self-judgment. I broke self-kindness down into three parts as well – the Self-Critic, self-talk and gestures.

https://afriendtome.wordpress.com/2017/06/26/self-kindness-the-self-critic/

https://afriendtome.wordpress.com/2017/06/27/self-kindness-self-talk/

https://afriendtome.wordpress.com/2017/07/03/self-kindness-gestures/

Today I want to talk about the second component – common humanity.

I think the core issue here is our sense of shame and how it makes us feel outcast and separate from everyone else. We have all grown up with people expecting certain things of us. Often we adopt those same expectations. However, the problem with expectations is 1) when we fail to meet them and 2) what we are left with in the aftermath.

Most of us are not taught how to deal with our failures and mistakes. Many of us have learned to simply beat ourselves up as a consequence. Yet here is where self-compassion is needed most. We need to be convinced that we are not inadequate or of less worth as a human being when we fail or make mistakes. We need to learn and know it deeply that it is simply human to make mistakes and fail at things. As one comedian put it – I don’t fail. I simply succeed at finding out what doesn’t work. It’s funny and … it’s true. if we could look at our mistakes and failures as the means of figuring out how to make something work. That’s all.

The second part is the aftermath of our failures and mistakes. Shame. Deep, horrible shame. The feeling that we are the only one who is a ‘loser’. Everyone else is fine. It’s only me that is ‘wrong’. That is what many of us believe because that’s what we were told growing up. And we have come to believe it. I am different. I am a reject, an outcast, socially unacceptable. I have no right to exist along with all these other fine people. I am a defect.

When we feel ashamed, we not only fear that people will lack understanding of and kindness toward us, but we also start criticizing and attacking ourselves. What happens then is that our sense of self becomes focused around a shamed identity and feelings of shame with oneself.” Mindful Compassion by Paul Gilbert, PhD and Choden

So, common humanity is about putting aside that shame, not accepting it is as reality and seeing ourselves, instead, as human beings having common human experiences. So many human beings feel inadequate and ashamed of who they are. It is a worldwide epidemic and creates all kinds of problems. When we can let go of some of that shame and recognize that right now I am having a similar experience that is felt world-wide it can be liberating. It might be a sense of loss or grief. It might be sadness or elation. It might be excitement or even mania. But it is human and it is worldwide. We are part of this whole ‘thing’ called humanity.

When we can connect with and accept our humanity we are connecting deep within ourselves. And that always helps us connect more deeply with others as well.